My deepest struggles have come from fearing success.
I am opening up about how fearing success has sabotaged my heroine’s journey — so I can inspire you with a crucial step to writing YOUR own success story.
(Head’s up: this is a short-story-long kinda tale…)
My Shift had hit the fan…
In the spring of 2016, one of my most sabotaging narratives was looking me right in the face.
- A client had just swindled me out of a lot of money and had distributed my intellectual property.
- My husband had just lost his job from one day to the next.
- At a crucial start of her school journey, my daughter confided in me that her teacher — who had already evoked an uncharacteristic fear of failure in her — had been hitting children on the head with workbooks and pulling their chairs out from under them if they did not sit still.
- Her school had been downgraded by inspection from “Good” to “Weak”.
- We were selling items in our house just to be able to put food on the table.
- A family member had been left broken from head to toe and comatose when a gigantic tree limb had fallen on him.
- There was a growing pile of bills that needed to be paid — and we were being stalked by collections agencies & bill collectors showing up to our door.
- My bank was threatening to close my account if I did not get out of overdraft within 24 hours.
- And we woke up in the middle of the night to what we thought were fireworks — only to discover it was our neighbour being shot 8 times right outside the entrance to our building.
How the living hell was I going to get us out of this Shift show?We were up shift's creek without a paddle. Or, as I like to call it: The Shift hitting the fan. Click To Tweet
It is then that I decided I was going to stop fearing success — by putting the pen to my success story into my own hands.
I began practicing what I would later develop into the Little Big Mouth Success Story rituals that I teach my clients. They center around 3 crucial steps:
- Designing a personal vision of my own definition of success based on what honors & fulfills my spirit, energy, purpose, gifts and values — and writing this down in a sacred writing ritual.
- Opening up to the signs, symbols and challenges along the way as being purposeful stepping stones placed before me to confirm my path — while also to teaching me to believe in my own abilities to move forward.
- Identifying the core beliefs & narratives that repeatedly had me fearing success and sabotaging opportunities for enrichment and growth — and then re-defining them into empowering truths with powerful writing.
It was this third step that has taken me most by surprise.
“Life is an overwhelming struggle between feast and famine.”
When the Shift hits the fan, it is important that we stop, drop & listen. Every Shift in our lives always involves a confrontation about our beliefs when it comes to our capacity to succeed. This is ALWAYS one big reflection of deep, sabotaging narratives. These sabotaging beliefs have us fearing success rather than stepping up.
Let me emphasize that the Universe is being deliberate.
“This is a core fear,” it is telling us. “Do you really want to continue holding on to this narrative?” it is saying.”
“Which self-fulfilling prophecy will we choose to honor? The one that reflects your sabotaging narrative? Or the one that empowers your most beautiful truth?”
In my situation, it became evidently clear. I was living an old, core narrative of overwhelm, struggle and feast or famine.
This had much to do with growing up most of my childhood in a single parent household. But I was no longer a child being raised by a single mother and my father was no longer around, so I could no longer blame him for not contributing to my life. I knew it was time to do something about it. So I chose to release it. To transform it:
“Life is an abundant garden — and I can feast on any fruit I want, whenever I want.”
When I adopted this narrative, I began to write it down. All the time.
Miracles started to take place. It formed the basis for the sacred writing rituals I bring my clients through — and it powerfully activated my success story.
My husband got a new, much better job within 2 weeks. I manifested myself out of a looming overdraft. We got our daughter into an impossible-to-get-into school in our dream town — even before we had even moved there. I attracted my first long-term clients and had my best month ever.
We sold our house within 2 weeks of contacting the agent. We wound up manifesting a move to a serene town, the perfect school for our daughter, and a home bearing 95% of the EXACT desires I had written down (including a miraculous Dutch “mountain” view).
By November, we were living in our abundant garden.
And then, a certain man was elected President of the United States.
It turns out, I was harbouring a deeper sabotaging belief.
There was an even more painful narrative behind my fear of success.
The first 6 months in our new home was a combination of elation and exhaustion.
On the one hand, I was finally in my “abundant garden”. I had the clients I needed to take it easy for those months. My husband was happy in his work. My daughter was in paradise at her school and new home. And we were surrounded by nature’s abundance.
But after #45 was elected, my deepest fear of success rose cruelly and uncompromisingly to the surface.
More and more policies were put into place (or disbanded) that resembled other authoritarian regimes in the past. These were aimed directly at immigrants, People of Color, LGBTQ+, the sick & disabled and people of Muslim faith.Hate crimes began to become more normalised as policy had removed several hate groups off of the “list” — and these went even more unpunished. There was a resurgence of anti-Semitic acts that included bomb threats at Jewish children’s centers, threatening flyers and mailings, and the desecration of Jewish cemeteries — one of them 15 minutes from where I grew up.
It was all literally hitting close to home.
It had triggered a deep, visceral, epigenetic trauma in my body.
I practically abandoned my business vision for an overwhelming desire to hide inside my new home. I realised that my healthy need for self care and re-charging had morphed into a sabotaging desire to burrow.
Every time I took steps to put myself out there, speak my truth, and follow my ideas, I would recoil into inactivity.
Because my core fear was even deeper than I had thought.If I allow myself a success story, people will label me with a disgusting stereotype. Click To Tweet
“If I am successful, I will be accused of being a corrupt, Jewish businesswoman & I and my family could be killed.”
Now of course, this is utter nonsense. The “corrupt, money-hungry, out-for blood Jew” is a despicable, harmful characterization that has been used for thousands of years as an anti-Semitic weapon. A myth specifically designed to sabotage our success, to keep us small, to show us we have no place in the Patriarchy.
In fact, there are several women in my family who have run their own businesses and proven the exact opposite. Including my belated and beloved grandmother.
And yet I was not immune to it.
When I discovered what I was harbouring, I was shocked. It was painful. But it also made a hell of a lot of sense.
I was more than willing to release it — and transform it into an empowering truth. The word abracadabra is an ancient Hebrew word meaning: I create what I speak.
So I “abracadabra-ed” a new truth: “I am a loving, compassionate businesswoman, with a truckload of integrity.”
And that is when the real magic happened.
Just a few hours later, at 10:20 pm to be exact, I stumbled across a post from a German woman who was struggling with her fears of success. She felt like she had no right to to be successful after everything her country had done.
There was no question in my mind that I was being called to help guide this woman through her fears by empowering her with a new belief. I reached out to her with my recent experience and shared with her my newly designed “abracadabra”.
But as I was writing it, at 10:22 something took over and added some more magical, powerful words onto my new belief.I am a loving, compassionate businesswoman with a truckload of integrity... and I change lives. Click To Tweet
And just like clockwork, the most amazing things began to happen.
At exactly 10:24 I received a notification that a client had posted this in my Facebook group (re-posted with permission):
She went on to talk about how I had helped her shift out of what was basically hell as she managed to move mountains to get out of an abusive marriage, become entirely SAFE and self-sufficient, and — thanks to the work she had been doing in my Sistermind group program — she had just manifested not one but two ideal job opportunities to choose from in a field notoriously hard for women to break into.
Basically what she had just written was MY NEW SUCCESS NARRATIVE, THE EXACT ONE I HAD JUST WRITTEN TWO MINUTES BEFORE.
It was a beautiful, profound and touching confirmation. I had just performed my “Abracadabra” and suddenly it was a proven truth. Ever since, I have been more inspired and productive than I have been in a long time. My vision about my success has become clearer and more mobilizing. I am buzzing in alignment and action.
This is my vision of success: That my words, my work, have profound impact on compassionate. clever, feminist leaders so that they can go out create their own abundant garden, write their own success stories — and change the world narrative in the process.
By the way, the German woman? She wrote to me that my words of encouragement basically released a narrative just as painful and horrible to her, and she finally feels inspired to go out and do her world-changing work.
Thank you for staying with me all the way to the end of this one. (Which, of course, is just the beginning.)
The reason why I wanted to share this very vulnerable fear, this journey, is because I want to encourage you to perform your own “Abracadabra” on what is stopping your from writing your own success story.
When the Shift inevitably hits the fan — as it always does when we face plot changes and new chapters in our journeys — harness the opportunity. Open up to that core fear and turn it into your most loving, compassionate truth.
Work your magic with the power of your own words. Commit to that Superwoman’s Journey.